I had a revelation about relationships and dating.
And it's something I wanted to share with all my readers of course.
I was reading Malcolm Gladwell's What the Dog Saw.
In the book there's an article about Enron, and he uses this simple concept that created this light bulb in my head.
He talks about the difference between a Mystery and a Puzzle, and the reason why it made my head light up because it was a great analogy into why people are having a tough time with their own relationships.
What makes up a Mystery? A mystery starts off being something to solve.
You know there's supposed to be an end result but you're reliant on clues to try to solve them.
Mysteries are interesting and intoxicating in the sense that as people get more and more clues come to the surface then the mystery will come be solved in a satisfactory manner.
But here lies the paradox of a mystery...
a mystery has the potential to be a mystery no matter how many clues you have, and therefore even with an infinite amount of clues, a mystery may stay as a cold case.
But what about a Puzzle? A puzzle is different.
In a way it's like a mystery, there are scattered pieces, people may have an idea of where to start.
But as a puzzle is slowly built, all the pieces will fit together, and the beginning can be frustrating because we may or may not have the whole picture of the puzzle.
But as each piece comes together the bigger picture becomes clear and evident.
There's a final ending.
What's all this have to do with Successful Relationships? A good percentage of people nowadays thrive on relationships based on a mystery (which is why divorces are so high now).
They have all these pieces together, they have these clues, but somehow they can't put all the clues together to make a relationship work.
The trouble is that they have the clues, but choose not to do anything proactive about it or can never quite link them together.
The further they dive into the mystery the more confused they become.
And what's dangerous about living a relationship as a mystery is that there is a high chance of guessing of how the relationship is supposed to be and where it's supposed to go, instead of knowing with a high certainty of where it actually is.
I've known a few people now who jump into relationships and are exclusive with someone too soon.
When I start asking the tough questions, it just leads to more questions, and more questions about uncertainty.
Somehow everything will reveal itself and there's no real solution.
A relationship should never be declared exclusive if you feel that it's a constant mystery trying to be solved.
Relationships are not meant to be mysterious.
Period.
Even though you have specific areas of your life concretely down, is there a piece that's missing that prevents it from becoming a successful marriage? Have you talked about the money, about raising children, about what to do if one of you lose your job? That's why poor relationships will always be a mystery because those types of questions will always remain unanswered until it's too late.
The big picture never gets solved, because those puzzle pieces are never present, and therefore a relationship will always be a mystery.
But with a puzzle, both of you have a certainty of what the bigger picture is like.
Both parties hold puzzle pieces and must work together to ensure that the pieces fit smoothly.
Like a puzzle there is a lot of testing out, the puzzle pieces don't always fit the first time, but with calm and repeated steps you soon find the right piece.
The most difficult part of a puzzle is always the beginning of course.
Pieces are scattered, and seem random at first.
Relationships all seem to start off that way.
Random.
Chaotic.
But within the chaos comes a pattern.
But as you both work together the solutions become more and more clear as time goes on.
People who treat relationships like a puzzle realize that the whole picture will never be solved, but they can see the bigger picture, it's clear, and they have the patience to fit all the pieces together.
They are willing to look at the financial puzzle piece and talk about it, and see how to make it fit in the bigger picture.
When they run into a puzzle piece that says children, they look at the pieces and make them fit through communication and compromise.
In a good relationship as time passes on, there are more and more puzzle pieces that make a relationship work.
Both parties know clearly where it's going, and have discussed the hard issues, and they will always work towards making the whole puzzle become evident.
A poor relationship will always be a mystery.
The other person in a relationship will always have to second guess where the relationship is supposed to go, and in the back of their mind they have questions that always seem to go unanswered.
Here are a few signs that you're relationship is a mystery.
1) You've dated for a while, but the same problems come up again and again, and the problems are never resolved.
2) You're not sure what the future intentions of the person you're involved with.
Most people are pretty clear if they are comfortable staying at their job for the rest of their life.
You should find out whether your partner has those long term intentions.
3) The important issues that make a relationship successful are discussed, even if it seems mundane.
My girlfriend wants to get a dog, I would like to get a cat, and you bet it's a serious issue that needs to be addressed.
Leaving such things unturned creates a mystery relationship.
4) You make too many assumptions about a relationship with no actions or history to back it up.
Thinking that a man will stop his drinking ways after he's married is too big of an assumption.
No evidence to suggest he's going to stop.
Take a look and ask your relationship, and all future relationships.
As time goes on, are the pieces becoming clear, so you feel comfortable in the relationship.
Or do keep making assumptions and HOPING the pieces will fit together and somehow solve itself.