Reader Question:

I met one of my friends at church and within meetings of talking we both shared that we had just had a miscarriage. This gave us something in common and we helped each other through the pain. A few months later we both conceived again and now our kids are toddlers and we meet often for playdates.

I like this friend a lot but somehow over the years she began to give me a kiss and hug goodbye and tell me that she loved me. The first time was after visiting me in the hospital when my daughter was born. I thought it was okay because it was a special event, pretty emotional, so it didn’t bother me. Also, we always hugged when saying goodbye so adding that kiss on the cheek was not a big deal for me.

After I brought my daughter home from the hospital, she came to see me at home and since she was still pregnant I thought she was just being emotional when she leaned in to kiss me goodbye again and this time she told me she loved me. The same thing happened after she had her baby boy and again I chalked it up to emotions.

But now, it seems like she’s totally comfortable still doing this and I am not. I still give her a hug but I pull away when she tries to kiss me and when she says she loves me I just say, “Yeah” in return. I’m not sure how to handle this.

Answer:

Boundaries, once pushed, are difficult to re-route back to their original place. In some ways, this is good in a friendship. As friends get to know each other it’s natural for the boundaries they’re comfortable with to shift and there is usually no reason to re-set them back to the beginning.

But occasionally a boundary will be crossed (and even allowed) and then one friend realizes this isn’t the way they’d like things to be. This happens in friendships between platonic friends when one friend might decide to sleep in the same bed or kiss by way of greeting.

In those instances one friend may have romantic feelings for the other friend and pushing the boundaries is one way of testing their feelings.

Your situation is different and should be easier to fix. Start by showing your friend where your acceptable boundaries are without making them feel bad. Instead of a hug goodbye (where your friend will find it too easy to give you a kiss) wave at them while heading out the door and give them a cheerful goodbye, then turn and go. Don’t look back and head to your car. Make your exits swift so your friend won’t be tempted to chase after you and give you a hug.

When your friend says “I love you” just say goodbye with a smile and leave. Then, treat everything else the same. Your friend should get the hint and eventually the boundary will move back to where it started.

However, if your friend feels that something is wrong and asks you, be gently honest in your response. Tell her, “I’m just not a hugger like you are” and leave it at that unless she presses further. Be honest with her but don’t criticize her or make her feel weird because she feels more comfortable with close physical contact than you do. Everyone is different. Just say something like, “I care about you a lot also but kisses and hugs just aren’t my thing.”

Treat this casually unless the situation needs you to raise the directness level. If, for example, your friend just can’t accept that she won’t be allowed to kiss you goodbye anymore and makes an issues out of it, say “Your friendship is valuable to me. I just don’t have the same boundaries as you do for physical contact. I’d like you to respect that.”

Friends should treat each other as they prefer to be treated, so if she’s really your friend she will abide by your wishes.