"Bush is now urging all nations to cut off aid to Hamas and Palestine, including the $234 million we were going to send them. In fact, to make sure, Bush is putting FEMA in charge to make sure the money never gets there." --Jay Leno

"In Palestine, Hamas won by a landslide, huge, huge margin. How does this make Democrats feel? They can't win anything and terrorists are winning in a landslide." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in the Middle East this week to promote his Middle East peace plan.

I don't think Bush quite gets it. Like today he said, 'Everything would work out in the Middle East if the Palestinians and the Israelis would just start acting like good Christians.'" ?Jay Leno

"An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself." ?Jay Leno

"Israel began evacuating thousands of Jewish settlers from the Gaza Strip and as a result, the Jewish settlers will be forced to return to their traditional home: Miami Beach." --Conan O'Brien

"Tough times in Israel. The settlers didn't want to leave because they feel that the land was given to them by God. It's the same way that Republicans feel about the White House." --Jay Leno

"It's very sad. They tried everything to get these people to leave. They tried water cannons. They tried special forces. They tried wire cutters, and finally, as a last resort, they had a black family move in next door, and they just (got) right out of there." ?Bill Maher, on the Israeli pullout from Gaza

"Madonna is looking to buy a home in Israel, and today the PLO told Israel 'Okay, you can have the land back.'" --Jay Leno

"Doctors in Israel are now slowly drawing Prime Minister Ariel Sharon out of his coma to see what his remaining brain function is.

Political experts say it is unlikely someone could run a country with a severe loss of brain activity. I beg to differ." --Jay Leno

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has regained some brain function. The bad news: Pat Robertson, still no brain function at all. You know about this -- last week Pat Robertson said Ariel Sharon had a stroke because God was punishing him for dividing Israel. You remember a couple of years ago Pat Robertson announced he had prostate cancer? You think God was punishing him for being a pain in the ass?" -- Jay Leno

"Doctors say that Ariel Sharon is emerging from his coma and can move his hand. The first thing he did was give Pat Robertson the finger." --Jay Leno

"Positive news from President Bush: Both sides of the Middle East are signing off on his road map to peace. The bad news is the Israelis think the road goes through the West Bank, Palestinians think it goes right through downtown Jerusalem." ?Jay Leno

"Inspiring developments -- Democracy is on the march in the Middle East. Yesterday, hundreds of thousands of Palestinians hit the polls for the first time of parliamentary elections in ten years. Which democratically elected party walked away victorious? Oh, it's Hamas! Yes, Hamas the militant Islamic group that is very anti-American and calls for the destruction of Israel, and wants a theocracy in Palestine. Though, on the plus side, they have returned all the money given to them by Jack Abramoff." --Jon Stewart

"Yasser Arafat died earlier this week in Paris. And in lieu of flowers the Arafat family asked that everyone just throw rocks." --Jay Leno

"Yasser Arafat is now dead. Damn, just when the peace process was going so well." ?David Letterman

"Yasser Arafat died last night. And this time it looks pretty permanent. How many times did he die this week? Like five? Six? He was turning into Kenny on 'South Park.'" ?Jay Leno

"According to Palestinian sources Yasser Arafat is dead but improving." ?David Letterman

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has cancelled his visit to the United States to meet with President Bush. You see that's when you know that the situation in the Middle East is bad, when the Israelis are worried that being seen with us will hurt their situation with the Arabs." ?Jay Leno

"I thought this was kind of a breakthrough. Yasser Arafat says he likes George Bush's idea of a brand new Palestinian election, as long as they count the ballots in Florida." ?David Letterman

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon arrived in Washington Sunday night to give President Bush a 91-page book proving that Yasser Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say that President Bush has the book and is almost done coloring it." ?Tina Fey

"Yesterday, Yasser Arafat was finally able to leave his compound. And what an emotional scene ? on the way out high-fiving all those suicide bombers." ?David Letterman