Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo and Gummo.
The familiar (or maybe not so familiar) roster of one of the most famous and beloved comic families in American history.
Groucho - The leader.
The irascible ramrod of the group.
Harpo - The lovable buffoon and musician.
The foil for much of the brother's humor.
Chico - The wordsmith.
The twister of tongue and meaning.
Zeppo - The straight man.
The interface between the brothers and the normal world.
Gummo - The least known.
Quit show business before the brothers became stars.
Most people aren't aware that there was another, much older brother who didn't appear in any of their movies but whose contribution to international zaniness was every bit as important: Karlo.
Yes, Karl Marx of Communist Manifesto fame had the same comic genetic makeup as the Hollywood clowns.
Of course, his humor was not directed at the film fan, he was more interested in the political arena where he could use his gift of whimsy to control nations and attempt to redefine world politics.
One of his best gags was a ten point plan of how the world could be changed from an emphasis on individual talent and innovation to one of collectivism and group-think.
In general, despite the fatuousness of the concept, world statists embraced it and in some cases, the Soviet Union, Communist China and the late Warsaw Pact nations come to mind, the joke was so well accepted that they based their whole national structure on it.
Isn't it passing strange that after the demise of the aforementioned Communist paradises, the Democratic Party still clings to them? The following is a presentation of Karlo's Ten Points and their relationship to the "modern" Democratic Party.
"Nevertheless, in most advanced countries, the following will be pretty generally applicable.
" "Abolition of property in land and application of all rents of land to public purposes.
" The Democrats want most, if not all, property to be owned by the government.
"A heavy progressive or graduated income tax.
" Democrats would love to see a 70 or 80 or even 90% income tax on "wealthy" Americans, except for avowed socialists.
They also understand the political value of having large numbers of voters free from paying any income tax.
"Abolition of all rights of inheritance.
" Democrats think all inherited wealth is evil except if it is owned by socialists and used to further the will of the State.
"Confiscation of the property of all emigrants and rebels.
" No one who disagrees with the Progressive Democrat Platform should be allowed to own property.
All property should be held for the good of the greatest number, except when the greatest number disagrees with the State.
"Centralization of credit in the banks of the state, by means of a national bank with state capital and an exclusive monopoly.
" Only the intellectually superior Democratic nomenklatura should be in control of monetary policy.
"Centralization of the means of communication and transport in he hands of the state.
" Democrats know that they must control communications to control the nation.
"Extension of factories and instruments of production owned by the state; the bringing into cultivation of waste lands, and the improvement of the soil generally in accordance with a common plan.
" Democrate think only they are capable of deciding what products and how many of them is right for the nation.
"Equal obligation of all to work.
Establishment of industrial armies, especially for agriculture.
" Democrats want all to labor equally except for their own elite selves and those whose welfare they have made dependent on the State.
"Combination of agriculture with manufacturing industries; gradual abolition of all the distinction between town and country by a more equable distribution of the populace over the country.
" All people, except the nomenklatura, are exactly equal and can therefore be treated as cogs in a State machine.
The place where one lives and the job one has will be decided by the State.
All individual traits must be done away with except for the ruling commisars.
"Free education for all children in public schools.
Abolition of children's factory labor in its present form.
Combination of education with industrial production, etc.
" Government schools produce government supporters.
Child labor is only wrong if it's your child who is laboring.
The only purpose of education is to rear compliasant workers.
The odd part is that despite the collapse of the Soviet Union and its satellites and the ongoing disintegration of China as a communist state, the Democrats still cling to the joke, waiting for a punch line that will never come.
Every so often some Leftist college professor or political pundit will write a massive tome lauding the intellectual superiority of Karlo and his Communist philosophy and predicting that someday the right leader will come along and implement the right brand of socialism and the whole idea of the workers paradise will at last be realized.
In this, they at least show that they do have a sense of humor.
In fact Karlo's mighty concept is intellectual nonsense.
It is the utopian rant of a man who saw the excesses of the early industrial revolution and sought a way to stop it.
Like so many before and since, Karlo thought that it would be possible to use the might of government to control the actions and the presumptions of the world at large.
In the event, it failed because it refused to recognize one of the most powerful forces in the world; human nature.
It sought to replace the hereditary, dynastic rule of monarchy and the growing influence of mercantile and industrial aristocracieswith a system that recognized the value of the working man and would divide the wealth and political power more equitably.
Problem is, it can only exist, as do all forms of government, as a hierarchy.
All hierarchies are structured from the top down and in the case of Communism, ones place in the structure is based not on merit, but on fealty to the State and absolute obedience to ones superiors.
In Karlo's world, you must take from the wealthy achievers to give to the lazy or ignorant non-achievers.
This is fatuous strategy because it is so self-defeating.
The achievers are such because they have maximized their efforts and have been willing to take risk in order to succeed.
Along come the commissars to take away the wealth that defines their success and they no longer have anything to show for all their efforts.
People who have no incentive will not work to achieve and so the achievers allow themselves to sink back into apathy or if they have acquired enough wealth, simply drop out of the system as in Ayn Rand's classic, "Atlas Shrugged.
".
They no longer create wealth to be seized by the State and thus the State has no treasure to re-distribute.
The under-achievers, not being too bright to begin with, still browbeat the State so it will continue to subsidize them.
The ruling elite, desperate to hold on to their power, begin to centralize and control more and more of the commercial life of the nation.
A downward spiral begins that ended, in the Soviet Union and Warsaw pact, with the destruction of the government.
How comical.
It's akin to the great socialist joke of today, the anti-tobacco crusade.
The ruling elite decided that only they knew how to protect the weak-kneed smokers of America, so they got their useful idiots among the trial lawyers to file massive class-action suits against the tobacco companies.
Brain-dead juries found guilt and bestowed massive, multi-billion dollar awards against the companies.
The money, after being deeply skimmed by the trial parasites (oops, I mean lawyers) was to be used by government to help those supposedly injured by tobacco and to educate future generations about its dangers.
In the event, neither actually happened as greedy politicos and bureaucrats siphoned the cash off to buy votes.
The supreme irony of the whole tobacco joke is that the very nannified statists who wanted to destroy tobacco are now in a situation where they must support the companies they hate so much.
The sale of tobacco generates enormous tax revenues.
Without those revenues, the pols would have to go to the people for additional taxes to make up the shortfall.
Even the most socialistic politician is afraid to call for increased taxes unless he is the lamest of ducks or can figure out some way to blame it on the Republicans.
Funny stuff.
Actually, the most comical part of the Marxian experiment is happening today.
Despite the fact that all of the major Communist governments have either fallen or are in the process of fundamental metamorphosis to a capitalistic, free-market model, the Liberal Democrats and their European fellow travelers still cling to Karlo's dream.
The European union is the prime example.
For fifty years after World War II, the nations of Europe either fought to prevent a Communist takeover or were subject to it.
Now, after the collapse of the Soviet threat, they are voluntarily following the French and the Germans into another socialist utopia.
I give it thirty years max, before the pressure of individual ambition, latent nationalism and the desire of individuals to build their own future through their own efforts, shake them awake from the dream.
When that happens there are several possible outcomes.
There might be a velvet revolution of the kind that swept Eastern Europe in the late 1980s in which the people are simply fed up and abandon socialism.
Another scenario is much less pleasant.
Despite all the slogans and revolutionary rhetoric about equality of all people, there is one uncomfortable fact.
Socialism must be imposed from above.
It's not natural for humans to be altruistic when such altruism harms themselves.
The avarice and greed that the socialists decry so vehemently is part of human nature.
The desire to risk and invent and labor to benefit oneself and ones family is as much a part of humanity as self-preservation.
Karlo denies that fact and so his improvisational comedy exploration into forced egalitarianism will, in the end draw boos and catcalls, not the cheers and applause comedians live for.
When it becomes clear that their control over the population is in jeopardy because achievers can no longer provide the necessary treasure, the tanks will roll and the iron fisted, tyrannical socialism of the Soviet Union and Red China will rise again.
A military enforced squelching of freedom as occurred in Hungary in 1956 would result.
There might also be a quiet descent into a new Dark Age in which apathy and ignorance would rule and the kind of territorial bickering and feudalism that marked Medieval times would arise again.
Hilarious, no? It may not be a quiet finish to an undistinguished career for the forgotten Marx brother though.
The arrogance of the socialist hierarchy and their devotion to their own power would make them want to exit not with a whimper but with a bang.
A final cataclysmic prat-fall.
In any case, communism is dead and socialism is on the critical list.
Karlo's great joke on humanity has proved to be about as funny as an Iranian sitcom.
What amazes me is the way the Liberal/socialist/Leftist/statist/Democrats still cling to his outmoded, outdated, unworkable, intellectually bankrupt philosophy.
I guess it's because they have yet to come up with a better plan.
That's the funniest gag of all.
© 2005 Charles Stone, Jr.