Question:

I have a friend I see every week at our kid’s school. She is very kind to me, and we’ve gone out for coffee with some other people a few times. The last time we all went out together, I shared a story about my childhood abuse, thinking that she would understand. I expected her to call me after that, but she never did. Now when I see her, she is still nice but she acts like I never told her that.

I haven’t had a chance to sit down for coffee with that group again yet, but if I do I feel like I should ask her why she never called me after that. I sent her an email after our conversation and asked her to do something, but she never responded.

I can’t say she is ever rude to me, but I don’t understand why she hasn’t made an effort to get together with me. She’s my friend, after all, and I would be there for her if she needed anything. What should I do?

Friendly But Not a Friend

Answer:

This person is friendly towards you, but that doesn’t mean she is your friend. She may think highly of you or not really care at all. You’ll never know because so far she hasn’t made an attempt to become friends with you. To her, you are an acquaintance.

This is not a bad thing. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you or that she feels disrespect for you. But it does mean that you’ve assumed you two are good friends when you’re not. As a result, you shared a vulnerable moment, trying to open up to her which was too much for who this person is.

Sharing stories about childhood abuse should be done with good friends, who have proven their trust to you. She might not do something destructive like gossip about you, but that doesn’t mean she’ll respond correctly or become a source of support and comfort for you.

Rather than confront her next time you see her, be cordial but don’t try to force a friendship with her. If at some point she wants to get closer to you, you can choose to be open to it then, or decide that you’d rather keep your relationship as that of casual friend rather than genuine friend. But don’t hold hope or put other friendships on hold waiting for her to come around. Instead, move on by making small talk with others and forging new friendships at a slow and appropriate pace.

 

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