Luke was floored to hear his girlfriend talk about their relationship the way that she just did.
She described their relationship of 5 years as "shallow," "distant" and "troubled.
" He would NEVER have chosen those words to talk about their relationship.
Luke loves his girlfriend and thought that they had a pretty good thing going on-- not perfect, but pretty okay.
Sure, they argue regularly, but they always make up.
It used to be Luke's belief that one day the two of them would get married.
After hearing his girlfriend's assessment of their relationship, however, he's not so sure...
Have you had a realization that the state of your love relationship or marriage is not what you thought it was? Maybe it was a comment that your partner made or perhaps it was a moment of clarity that shone a light on some dynamic between you and your mate that was not a pleasant surprise.
Whatever it is, now you can see that have been in denial.
You realize that there are some issues in your relationship (or within you) that you are no longer willing to ignore.
These issues may have become too "big," too painful or too destructive to deny anymore.
Are you still unclear about whether or not you are in denial about some disconnecting dynamic in your relationship? A huge clue is how close to or distant you feel from your partner.
Another possible clue is if you think everything is okay and your woman is talking about how messed up your relationship is.
If you don't see a problem but your woman does, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are "wrong" and she is "right.
" What it does mean is that there is something driving you two apart in some way.
You might be experiencing that dynamic differently or it might be more active within her or within you...
but something is going on that is taking you two apart from one another.
If you want to improve and bring more ease to your relationship, it's vital that you stop the denial and start opening up to solutions.
Here is advice to help you do that...
Stop doing whatever you do to avoid and ignore.
Many of us have ways that we "numb out" and ignore things about ourselves and our lives that we don't want to see.
If you use alcohol, drugs, gaming, the computer, work or anything else as a way to avoid and stay in denial about your relationship challenges, recognize that.
This is part of the problem.
Have the courage to face up to the things that you might feel uncomfortable or worried about.
What often happens is a challenge seems so much larger and difficult when we're trying to run away (or hide) from it than when we just look at it and start opening up to solutions.
Look for real, tangible evidence of the state of your relationship.
Instead of searching and searching for proof that either your version of what's going on in your relationship is true OR your woman's version is true, re-focus on real, tangible evidence.
Pay close attention to how you and your partner tend to react as you communicate or have a disagreement.
Notice how your sexual intimacy and lovemaking are.
How often do you and your partner spend really engaged and connected with one another? Focus in on things like habitual actions taken or words spoken as well as your feelings (and your partner's feelings too).
This all might differ depending on your perception of a situation, but you can find tangible evidence to support-- or not-- your perceptions too.
The point here is to get very clear about what the state of your relationship is and where you and your partner could start to problem-solve together.
Make a decision about what's next.
Once you have identified those dynamics and issues that may be taking you two apart, it's time to make some decisions.
Steer clear of making one of you "right" and the other one "wrong.
" There is a need for you each to take ownership of your share in the disconnection, but you don't have to descend into a blame game.
You might propose an agreement that will address the problem.
You two could work with a professional coach or counselor or find resources to help you learn strategies and techniques.
Whatever you do, if you are going to stay in this relationship, it's essential that you and your woman work as a team.