Last night, I received an email from a wife who was reeling from the fact that her husband had just left.
  She was not only devastated, she was also stunned.
  She honestly felt that they'd had a happy marriage and this had caught her completely off guard.
   She had contacted the husband and he had eluded her for a while, but when she was able to press him as to why he left, she said he could not give her "one good reason" for his actions.
  He basically kept trying to change the subject and insist that this was just something that he felt that he needed to do.
So the wife was at a loss at to how to fix this.
  She felt that she was not in any position to think about or to handle this rationally.
And, without knowing why he really left, she was not sure how to address his reasoning and change his mind.
She asked me what she should do now and what would be her best course of action.
I will tell you what I told her in the following article.
Focusing On The Fact That He's Gone Rather Than Dwelling On Why He's Gone:  Without a doubt, the wife was absolutely stuck on and obsessed about why he left.
  She was determined that she was going to pester him and keep cornering him until she could annoy the truth out of him.
  I absolutely understand her need for answers.
Of course this felt like a huge shocking betrayal that was coming out of left field.
  She wanted to be able to identify exactly what she was up against so that she could come up with the best response and course of action.
But, what she did not understand was that she was unlikely to really get the total answer out of him.
  It was actually unlikely that he would be able to articulate the exact reasoning behind his actions.
  And, by continuing to hound him, she was probably honestly increasing his resolve that he was absolutely right to leave.
  If she wanted him back (and she definitely did) then the worst thing that she could do would be to paint herself in a less than flattering light or as someone what he wanted to escape.
So I advised her to back off of the pursuit of "why" in the hopes that he would come up with a "good reason.
"  That was not as important right now as taking positive action to address what is very likely his reasons for leaving.
  Here's what I can tell you that may help.
  Men often leave because they perceive that they are better off alone for now.
  They often perceive that the relationship has reached a point where either it's at the point of no return or where they need some space and distance to appreciate what they have.
  It's important to understand that adding fuel to the fire and acting negatively is likely not going to help your cause.
So rather than focusing on exactly why he left or demanding the exact and specific reason, accept that the relationship was likely not making either of you as happy and as secure as you needed to be.
  However, that doesn't mean that this can not change as you take positive action.
Understanding That You Can Change How He Sees You And The Relationship:  Understanding that your first course of action should not be to demand the precise reason that he's gone.
It actually should be to change his perception of you (as negative) and the relationship (as un repairable.
)  Always remember these two things when you are in contact with him.
Speaking of contact, it's better to let him get in touch with you.
  But, if you can not swing this, wait as long as you can and either send a very basic text checking to see if he's OK and wants to talk or keep the conversation direct and positive.
  Here are the basic things that you want to convey: that you want for the both of you to be happy; that your goal right now is to maintain a positive and healthy relationship between you rather than fighting and running counter to the goal of your both being happy; and going forward in a healthy way yourself.
There are several reasons that you want to get these things across.
  You will appear so much more attractive to him if you are positive, rational, calm and confident.
  And, you truly want for him to know that you are very much behind and support his best interests and happiness.
  It's important that he knows that he doesn't need to leave you to be happy and supported.
  It's important that he knows that you can conduct yourself in a calm, rational, and supportive way.
  And it's very important that both you and he know that you respect yourself enough to hold yourself with dignity and grace.
People often ask me what if all this doesn't work, what if the husband is dead set on leaving, and basically acting like an insensitive jerk?  Well, you can't force him not to act this way.
  You can't control another person's actions.
But, you can control your own actions and this will often change his.