A friend of mine recently came to me in tears.
She is married to a wonderful man, and they have great kids.
But when they fight he employs the silent treatment on her.
She is so hurt and angry about this, she stammers.
What is the appropriate response to this? Everyone needs times of quiet.
Everyone gets so mad they know they shouldn't say anything for a bit.
That's not what we are talking about here.
We are talking about silence as a weapon.
"Don't be quiet at me.
" Sounds like a silly thing to say, but that's what you want to say, or scream.
I know of two couples who have divorced recently, and both women attribute it to the silent treatment.
I don't believe men fully understand the hurt they cause with this maneuver.
Many guys just don't know how to fight constructively, so they don't talk at all.
Or they know they shouldn't say what's on their mind in front of kids, so they use eye rolling and snorts and pointed stares, to show their disdain.
And their point comes through loud and clear.
My examples are of men doing this, but in some relationships, the roles are reversed.
It's the woman, who is using silence to manipulate.
This manipulation can occur for many reasons, and in varying degrees.
Everyone does it a bit.
Some people have made it an art form.
You don't need to do this.
You are a mature rational person.
You want healthy relationships with the people around you, and this is not healthy.
I know one man who is quiet.
He doesn't have to be mad.
But sometimes, he just doesn't talk.
If someone is addressing him and he isn't really interested in the topic he just won't answer.
He'll just look at you, then look away.
You have been dismissed.
You conversation isn't worthy of his time, or that's how you feel, when you talk to him.
We need to be aware of how our words ( or lack of them) are affecting the people around us.
I know another man who loves his children more than anything.
But his kids aren't sure.
Because he uses words and silences to torture their mom.
He will hold a pleasant conversation with them, or someone on the phone, and pointedly ignore mom because she has angered him in some way.
She usually doesn't even know what she did this time.
(He tells her and the kids how ignorant she is a lot.
) This can go on for days, or weeks! Kids have a well developed sense of justice.
When one parent is picking at the other, they will almost always take the attacked person's side.
This causes more anger in the accuser.
This kind of silent nastiness also serves to tell the kids that Dad's love is conditional.
He will only love you if...
(fill in the blanks for your family...
) This puts a terrible strain on all the members of your family.
The need to be perfect ( or the need to rebel against this tyranny) has destroyed many families.
Will you let it destroy yours? I hope that reading this has given you some insight into your some of the issues that come up in your family.
Being able to see the problem is the first step to fixing it.