Figuring Out Who We Are Libraries are filled with books on the subject of relationships.
This article will try to present a practical guide to creating and maintaining healthy positive relationships with others.
I'll keep it simple! Everyone has a suitcase filled with issues that have been heaped upon them from the day they were born.
They drag these programs around with them wherever they go.
They are buried deep within their subconscious mind and filter everything around them with their own unique colour and hue.
The chances of finding anyone who does not have some baggage lingering around is pretty unlikely, so you may as well accept the fact that just like you, everyone is just doing what they do best; and that is "being themselves".
One trick to being happy is getting along with these people even when their values, biases and beliefs are diametrically opposite to yours.
This can also prevent you from getting sucked into their unhappiness! Remember, "Misery loves company".
I use a simple system to gage to measure the level of a person's ability to get along with others, which includes me.
In my 'system' have created two categories that I can use when grouping people together.
This makes it easier for me to immediately understand what my challenge will be when communicating with them or determining whether or not I can accept them as friends or colleagues.
Family I am stuck with (smile).
'Group One' people are those that I define as "screwed up and don't know it".
I actually use a more colorful word for "screwed" but I realize that my article might be read by those who would object to such colorful phrasing.
This group includes people who are still playing back all of those antiquated programs that were recorded in their minds since birth (subconsciously of course).
They react rather than act.
They are usually emotionally out-of-control and use aggressive 'negative parental' posturing or 'negative child' mannerisms when communicating with others, especially when under even a modest degree of stress.
Let me explain 'negative parental' posturing.
Finger pointing, talking 'down' to others, unrealistic or uncalled for criticism, physical threatening or expressing superiority over others; are often associated with those who take a negative parental position when communicating.
Those that use 'negative child' posturing often yell or scream, cry, stomp their feet or physically shake.
Their emotions resemble a 'spoiled' child who 'lose-it' when they can't have things their way.
'Group Two' individuals are those that I define as "screwed up, have realized it and have made the appropriate adjustments to compensate".
We can't purge all the programming we were subjected to as we grew up; so 'Group Two' are also screwed up, but somewhere along the way, they realized that the antiquated programs that they were playing back in the head were not of their own choosing and not making them happy.
They consciously decided to hit the 'CTL-ALT-DEL' in their minds and retired the old useless programs and replaced them with new productive ones.
This group of people act rather than react.
They use a 'positive adult' posture when communicating with those they associate with.
Let me explain 'positive adult' posturing.
Even keeled, relaxed, emotionally under control, cooperative and friendly are noticeable attributes of those in a 'positive adult' position.
They do not let their old emotional subconscious programs to react to the world around them.
They observe, analyze and process the appropriate response.
For the record, there are positive 'parental' and 'child' attributes that can be great for communications as well as positive living.
Nurturing or being concerned or taking the lead are positive parental examples when used appropriately.
Having fun, being creative and enjoying life are examples of positive 'child' behaviours which again, when used appropriately are great foundations for a happiness as well as good communications.
Back to 'Group One' and 'Two'.
If you think about it; "Don't you know people from both groups?" They could be just about anyone from family members to associates at work.
Here's a question, "Which group do you think you would fall into?" When I am first introduced to new people I use my little behaviour measurement tool to assess whether or not they are 'Group One' or 'Group Two' personalities.
It's usually obvious to me in a matter of minutes.
I am not suggesting that the people in my 'Group One' classification are bad people.
I am not here to judge or suggest I possess some form of superiority over them, but I need to evaluate the appropriate communication strategies I might need to use to ensure a positive outcome when engaged in a conversation with these people or maintain a positive relationship with them.
Some might argue that this is a form of manipulation.
Ok, but if it helps me create a win-win scenario for all parties; "What's the issue?"