If I had to pick one thing that doomed marriages after an affair, or kept a marriage from surviving after cheating, it would be that the couple were not able to rebuild the trust between them.  Even if both parties have forgiven and have committed to moving on, the inability to really trust that the cheating will never happen again usually keeps one of them going all in and committing with a full and open heart.

So, one person is usually either consciously or subconsciously holding back.  Or, the smoldering lack of trust will cause the cheated upon spouse to make snide or hurtful comments (or participate in hurtful behaviors) about his or her partner every time these unsure and insecure feelings crop up. 

There are many ways to rebuild trust after an affair but they take time, patience, a bit of work, and a willingness on the part of both parties. This article will discuss some methods you can use to help show your partner that it's safe for them to be vulnerable again and trust in the marriage (and in commitment, monogamy and fidelity.)

Why It's So Hard To Trust Again After An Affair Or Being Cheated On: First, for the benefit of both parties, I want to describe why it can be so difficult to trust again.  This is from my own experience (my husband had an affair several years ago) and from my research. 

Needless to say when you've been cheated on, you feel that your whole world was sort of a lie.  The person who you entrusted most with your whole heart completely let you down and left you very vulnerable. The person who promised to love, honor, and cherish you has fallen down on the job in a big way.

If you are the one who cheated, think for a second about how you would feel if the roles were reversed and you were the one who was dealing with this ultimate betrayal. I can tell you from experience that it is devastating. You can literally feel your heart breaking and can feel the shock take a serious strong hold on the every day life you thought you knew. Simply put, your world has been taken away in the blink of an eye by someone else's unfortunate decision. This leads to a horrible vulnerable feeling and a paralyzing lack of control.

You begin to wonder what is wrong with you that your loved one wanted someone else. Your self esteem takes a nose dive. You wonder who knew about the affair and how these people could betray you too. In short, the rug is pulled right out from under your feet and it's a horrible, scary place to be.  So, you never, ever want to leave yourself open to feel this way EVER again.

So you put a wall around yourself to ensure that you are never hurt this way, but here's the problem with that. The wall doesn't allow your spouse back in – and he or she HAS to be allowed back in if you are going to rebuilt the intimacy and closeness necessary to rebuilt a better marriage. 

So, while I absolutely understand how hard it can be to allow yourself to be vulnerable again, if you want to save your marriage and make it better than before, you have to.  Luckily, there are some ways to do this, which I will discuss below.

First, The Person Who Has Been Cheated On Needs To Be Heard And Needs To Feel Understood: It's so very important that the betrayed spouse knows that the spouse who cheated fully understands the fall out of his or her actions.  The spouse who had the affair should not be defensive and try to shift the blame.  While it is absolutely true that both parties likely contributed to the circumstances that lead up to the affair, only one party made the ultimate decision to cheat.

Sometimes people (especially women and wives) are reluctant to really let their spouse know how badly the affair has devastated them, but this must be done because if you don't release these feelings, they will eat you alive and they will always crop up again when you think you have beaten them.

The spouse who cheated must be open to hearing (without judgment) everything the other has to say and to understand why.  It's very helpful to repeat back what your partner has said and then ask if you are understanding it accurately.  This will make them feel both heard and understood and will show them that you are making a sincere effort.

Next, the person who had the affair needs to realize that – for however long it takes – he or she is going to need to very forthcoming about where he or she is or who he or she is with.  This may get old after a while, but the other spouse is likely going to need it and deserves it. It's also important that the spouse who cheated be patient, loving, and reassuring – again, for as long as it takes. 

With that said, the wronged spouse also needs to show compassion and patience.  If your husband or wife has listened to how you feel, tries to understand these feelings, has repeatedly apologized and has done everything in their power to reassure you and patiently facilitate your healing, then it is not fair to punish them over and over again. I know this can be difficult, but you too must resist the urge to do things that will tear your marriage down rather than to build it up.

Both Of You Needs To Be Clear On And Understand Why The Affair Happened: While I think the minute details of the affair often offer no real help in rescuing the marriage or making the marriage better (how the other woman looked, how the wife met her boyfriend, etc.) WHY it happened is vitally important. 

But, here's the problem. Most people really can't verbalize why they cheated. They will give you vague answers like "it didn't mean anything," "it was just a one time thing," or "it's not you, it's me."  The wronged spouse will often think the caught spouse is lying, but this isn't always the case.

The truth is, even if your spouse can't or won't say it, the vast majority of affairs happen for emotional reasons, whether it's a boost to the person's self esteem, or because they feel neglected or misunderstood by their spouse,  or that they feel desperate to feel validated or young or powerful. 

It very often isn't anything that you did or didn't do.  And, it truly does has everything to do with them – and much less to do with you or even the person with whom they carried on the affair.

Still, it's important that you understand and then work on the issues in your marriage that were hiding in the dark and laying in wait to sabotage the relationship. 

In the best case scenario, the couples who do the necessary work following the affair often learn better communication and listening skills and they learn to no longer make assumptions or to take things for granted. By working together this way, trust and intimacy can definitely be restored – so much so that the marriage can actually be better than ever.

Self Esteem Must Be Rebuilt: It's obvious why the self esteem of the spouse who was cheated on takes a hit, but the spouse who has cheated often also has a big blow to their self worth as well.  They usually feel very guilty and remorseful about the pain they have caused for all involved and they are frustrated with their inability to "fix it" or "right things."

Both parties need to work on themselves and make a very conscious effort to do what puts a genuine smile on their face and restores their self esteem. 

Once I began to heal, I got a full make over, lost a bit of weight, got porcelain veneers for my teeth, and educated myself on relationships with renewed and heightened intimacy.  Luckily, these things raised my self esteem to a level that was higher than before the affair. 

Because of this work and knowledge, I now no longer worry that he will cheat again. This is vitally important because it will be very difficult for you to believe that your husband / wife still loves you and finds you very attractive if you don't believe this about yourself.

When people used to tell me that their marriage was stronger after an affair, I didn't believe them. But, in time and through personal experience and growth, I now know this is absolutely possible. Though I would've never believed this five years ago, I am actually much happier than I was before the affair. You can read my very personal story and my struggles on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/